MLM? Kiss my puwet, I'm going shopping...

"MLM (Multi-level marketing) is a marketing strategy in which the sales force is compensated not only for the sales they personally generate, but also for the sales of others they recruit, creating a downline of distributors and a hierarchy of multiple levels of compensation." - Source of definition: Wikipedia


Yes. I was stupid enough to fall into their trap of MLM and went for their "interview" this afternoon and until now, I'm still kicking my own puwet for wasting my precious transportation fees to go listen to some bullshit.

WARNING: 

Probably some strong language (I'll keep them as tamed as possible) 

and probably lots of words but useful, I promise.

Honestly, I don't know how to start this entry because there's so much fury inside me that I want to vent but again, the purpose of this entry is to share with you my personal experiences of how nasty MLM is and how to avoid them and perhaps, give you some tips on how to make a classy exit (like what I did today).

Actually wanted to make this a vlog but I'm too shy to go on camera so I'll stick to words, yes? :P I apologize for the wordy entry but I shall keep it as entertaining and bitchy as possible for your reading pleasure.

Let me give you a brief outline of what this possibly long entry will be like:

1. What on earth is MLM and why am I so against it that I rather go shopping.

2. What on earth happened today that pushed my buttons so hard that I went shopping.

3. How do you recognize MLM job adverts so that you do not go shopping.

4. How to make a classy exit if you do fall into one of their scams and then, you can go shopping after that.

Yes, I got my "Bitch" mode turned on.

1. WHAT ON EARTH IS MLM?

This may work for regular salesman but MLM sales people will not take "NO" as an answer.

Well, in case the opening definition bored you or you want it in simpler terms, MLM is how some people sell things, just like how some promoters let you try cocktails at Cold Storage and ask you how it tastes (the job I've been doing for the last weekend).

But, the difference is that in MLM, a pretty successful model in the States but unfortunately, not a viable business model in Singapore because the sales people are mostly people who are hard sellers. In other words, they don't care if you need the product. They just want to close the deal, earn your money and hope to get rich.


That's not all. MLM also means these "sales" people recruit other people so that A) They get more customers to buy the products they don't really need and B) They get more underlings to close deals on their behalf so these "sales" people earn a commission out from their underlings.

Evil, no?

In other words, think of MLM in Singapore like a pyramid. When the underlings earn, the higher ups also earn. Sounds good if you're a higher up eh? But sadly, it's not easy to reach there but you wouldn't want to anyway unless you like to sell things to people that doesn't add value to their life, no matter how hard they try to convince you otherwise.

Worse of all, some MLM companies require you to buy their products and stock them so you get to sell them. That means, you are paying to work and to me, that's just bull. You are meant to be paid, not the other way round. What if you don't sell them? You're the sucker while the higher ups get their commission anyways.

Why do I hate them so much? Well, other than the fact that they are just pure shitty, I think it's not ethical to be conning people's money. Not to say that all the products they sell are phony but really, I do not believe in selling things people do not want just to earn from them. Furthermore, I do not want to be to a pawn in which I work my ass off while the higher ups earn their commissions. NO WAY!!


Plus, their culture is horrible. It's all about "me, myself and I" and not about the customer. In sales, it's all about the customer but in MLM, you're more concerned about your profits. Heck if the customer don't need a water filter, you're selling it anyway for your own profit. Who doesn't work for their own food, yes? But the way they HARD SELL products to people is just revolting and irritates me.

On top of that, they like to make it sound as though it's really easy to earn money in MLM by drawing you diagrams, charts and other beautiful things that you probably won't understand anyway during their briefings/interviews. The truth is, there's no such thing as easy money on this planet. You want to make a living, you jolly well work your ass off for it. And therefore, I do not support the notion of the higher ups earning commissions when you are the one working. Yes, you do earn but can you live with your conscious of selling your customer a product that they will regret buying?

So, in conclusion to this rather dry segment of this entry, MLM is nonsense. MLM wants you to get your family members to buy things they don't need. MLM is about revealing your friends' contacts to these "higher ups" so that they can brainwash them to "work" for them for their own freaking profits.

Remember, it's not ethical to give out your friends contacts to these companies because you aren't respecting your friends' privacy and they will turn nasty on you.

VERY NASTY ON YOU...!! (Don't say I never warn you, "friend".)

Even if you are my friend, I won't believe you anymore.

2. WHAT ON EARTH HAPPENED TODAY?

Now, there's the interesting part of this entry because I bet you want to know what the hell happened today to make me feel like it's blog-worthy. Story telling time, children!! Grab your teddy bears~

So few weeks back, I was job hunting and I came across an advertisement that looked something like this...

"So, how difficult can it be to help at a showroom right? And look~ The pay is pretty attractive as well! I should totally just SMS the person and ask for the job immediately!!"

Really, I was that stupid to be going through that process and because of that, I ended up going for the stupid MLM talk this afternoon at 2:00pm at Bugis Village. Actually, I had a really bad feeling about going for this interview because part of me knew that it was probably going to be MLM but I couldn't really confirm but after going there, I was sure.

And to anyone reading this, I hope you do not fall into the same "sweet" trap as I did because transportation fees nowadays can kill you. Shall go into how to spot bogus job adverts in a short while. Let me have my moment to rant~


2:00pm. Hot afternoon. I stood outside KFC, waiting for the interviewer to pick me up, wondering why he refused to tell me the exact location as well as the name of the company. Was chatting with my IS mates on Whatsapp, telling them that I felt like I've just boarded the Pirate's ship but nevertheless, since I was already there, might as well just go there for the scoop.

So this gentleman in a formal shirt came over and shook my hand. There was also a lady who was waiting for this gentleman, apparently also job seeking. After the formalities, we walked down the aisle right of KFC and up this flight of stairs to the "showroom".

An impression of how the "showroom" looks like. Looks pretty normal eh?
Mosaic-ed to uphold the integrity of the company of this office.
Image grabbed off the Internet - shall not name source.

The showroom. It gave the whole game away. Immediately, I knew I fell into the MLM trap and then, I was thinking of all sorts of ways to escape this dubious trap. We entered this really small interview room and the gentleman sat us down and started chatting with us.

Yes, he admitted it was MLM and I announced publicly in front of him and the lady that I'm extremely against MLM simply because I do not believe in selling products to customers if they don't want it. The hard sell tactics are unethical and despicable. The lady also hates MLM because she used to work for one of these companies. Good for her! It was 2 against 1 back then...

After the failed attempt of brainwashing us, saying that this company is different, blah blah blah, he asked if we were interested in going for their product presentation held in another room. I said I'll take a look at the product (well, I was stupid) but the girl immediately took this chance to say that she is not interested and she left. Should have done that and left too!!


Okay. So I stupidly agreed to enter the presentation room and there was already a presentation ongoing. There were approximately 15 other "victims" inside the room, listening to the product presentation. Well, being the bad boy that I am, instead of paying attention, I was busy Whatsapp-ing, slapping my own face for being so stupid to fall into this trap.

Anyway, the product was some water filter/purifier-something that's supposed to make your water "healthier" and blah blah blah. Like I said, I wasn't paying attention so I couldn't really recall. I remember there was another time in Poly when one of my good friend actually brought me to one of these MLM companies and they were selling the exact same thing so I knew that I've been "once bitten, twice shy" already.

Here's the interesting part now. What made me so annoyed.

During the presentation, the female presenter was saying that the water they are using is so much better because of this and that, this and that. First experiment she did was to add some tea leaves into two glasses of water - one being normal tap water and the other being their filtered "water". We all know that you need to use hot water to brew tea yes? But this filtered "water" magically allowed the flavors of the tea to seep into it, almost like the water was something corrosive. Scary eh?

Then, there was this experiment on the pH value (how acidic/basic) of the water samples were. She dripped some universal indicator into tap water and some into the "magic water". Before I reveal the results, let's take a look at this chart. This chart sure brings back memories of secondary school chemistry/science lessons, no?

Universal Indicator Chart
Source: http://mscjackson.great-teacher.net/assignments%208th/chemistry/universal_indicator_chart.htm

Naturally, the glass with the tap water turned green due to the colorings of the universal indicator and because it's of a neutral pH value (duh~). The "magic water", however, turned purple - somewhere in the regions of 13 on the chart. Well, that's pretty alkaline/basic, isn't it? Well, the reason that she gave was that their filter makes water more basic so that it would neutralize the acids we take in from our food and other nonsense for a more balanced pH in our body.

Then, she took out this bottle of iodine meant for applying on wounds and cuts. She then had the atrocity to make the remark that "Let's say this iodine is the impurity in the body" and she dripped the yellow antiseptic liquid into both the green tap water and the scarily purple "magic water".

The green water turned slightly yellow while the purple water remained the same. The crowd was like "Ooooooooohhhhhhhhh~~!!!!" and I was like "WHAT?!"

First of all, let me state that I'm no chemistry expert. I've been asking around for the pH of iodine and so far, I have no answer to that yet because I have people telling me that it's alkaline and people telling me it's acidic. Well, let's throw chemistry out of the window.

To me, the reason why the tap water turned slightly yellowish in color is simple. THE IODINE IS YELLOW, YOU MORONS!! It's the iodine that made the water look slightly yellowish, not because it's more acidic! Plus, there was also no change in the purple substance. Suppose the purple substance is alkali in nature, it should change color to something of a blue when something acidic is dropped into it, yes? There was no change! Why? Because the yellow is lighter than the purple and is hidden! 

I'm amused at their stupidity and amazed at my sudden genius too...

Furthermore, did you know that iodine is actually not dangerous to a human's body? The presentator was saying, "If you drink this bottle, you will die." That goes without saying, no?! If it were, as what she claimed, "toxic", then why would people use it for it's antiseptic purposes? Why are some table salt iodized (meaning there's iodine inside)? Why do people suffer from goiter, the swelling of the thyroid gland due to deficiency of iodine. Couldn't she pick a better "impurity" that doesn't taint the safe tap water we have in Singapore and is actually dangerous to the human body?

In addition, prior to the presentation, the gentleman who brought me to this MLM prison said that one of their products, the water filter, was extremely good selling during the SARS period years ago and had actually won an award. I was wondering, "I thought SARS spread through human-to-human contact? What has it got to do with water?" Then, I realized he was just bullshitting his facts to make the product sound good. I can also say that the cocktails I sold was because it was a full moon that night - no link what!!

At that point of the presentation, I felt like my intelligence was insulted because I know for sure that there are things that she said that I can be 100% certain are just bullshit. That, to me, is unacceptable because you are not presenting the truth to us, you won't be presenting the truth to the customers.

After listening to her rambling and planning my perfect escape with my IS mates on Whatsapp, I took the opportunity when she invited another speaker over to speak to ask her the classic question.

"Where is the toilet?"

Instead of pointing the direction to me, she was "kind" enough to get someone to accompany me to the toilet. I was pretty annoyed then. So what do you mean? You think I'm stupid enough not to know directions (even though I'm honest that bad with directions...) Okay fine. If you want to escort me to the washroom, fine by me. 

So this guy brought me to the toilet. The toilet is hidden in this secluded place and it's so deep inside the office! To get to the toilet, I had to go through this really cramp room with these people making phone calls out and I heard this lady saying, "Oh~~ So you just ORD-ed? Would you like to come down......" and I was turned off.

HOW DARE SHE TARGET MY KIND?! HOW DARE THEY?!

I have never used the toilet feeling so pissed before.

To make matters worse, the person who brought me to the toilet refuse to leave me alone to do my business. I told him, "It's okay. I know the way back." And he was like "Don't worry, I'll wait for you here". There goes my escape plan and it made me even more upset. 

JUST LET ME GO ALREADY! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M NOT INTERESTED?!

Maybe because too many people used this technique and they kinda saw us through and hence, this toilet "spy". Despicable is not even a good enough word to describe how damn scheming they are!

I used the toilet angrily. I think the toilet bowl felt my fury as my pee almost cut through the solid cement. (Don't you love this descriptive?) I walked out, washed my hands and the guy escorted me back. I felt like a prisoner, seriously.

Until he started to talk to me. He asked me my name and everything. Honestly, I couldn't catch a single word he was uttering because the invisible flames and smoke coming out from my ears is just overwhelming. Guess what I replied him though...

"Where is the exit?"

Bet he was taken aback because he was like "WHY?!" and all.

I may be bad with directions but I sure can read the "EXIT" sign and recognize the door to freedom. Before he could lead me back to the presentation room, I walked to the exit and pulled the handle. I could feel him trying to restrain me from leaving as he continued to ask "Why~~??" like he needed my presence to survive. And I answered...

"Because iodine is alkaline, not acidic."

I opened the door fiercely and ran down the stairs out onto the streets.

FREEDOM ONCE MORE!!

Honestly, I didn't know for sure whether iodine was alkaline or acidic but I just wanted to get the hell out and so as not to disappoint that poor toilet escort, I gave him an answer that probably didn't make sense and I have no regrets but ain't I cool?! :P

Kiss my puwet for trying to show me magic tricks, losers, I'm going shopping!!

And boy did I shop! I bought 2 shirts from Uniqlo but that's beside the point. I met up with Raven at her new work place and I bitched to her about what happened. While waiting for her to go for her break, the gentleman who brought me there called and had the cheeks to ask, "Eh you left already?" I gave him a short and sweet answer, "I have no interest in your products at all." And I hung up.

Sorry gentleman but you're working for the wrong company and like I've said before in one of my tweets, if you MLM me, be prepared to see the bitchiest side of me.

Yeap. That was basically what happened during that "interview" session with this stupid MLM company. I was lucky (or probably unlucky) enough to have actually been in one of these presentations before and therefore, could immediately tell what MLM companies are like to escape before they could waste any more of my precious time which could be used on shopping instead.

Exciting eh? But let's go to the next section of today's entry...

3. HOW TO RECOGNIZE MLM JOB ADVERTS
(A.K.A. SCAMS in my book at least)

Reminder again: NEVER EVER pay to work. That defeats the purpose of a job.

There are people who might think that MLM is not a scam but look, it's a free country and it's the internet so you are entitled to your opinions and I'm entitled to mine so don't be hating on my ideologies.

Actually, recognizing MLM job scams is pretty easy. It's almost like preventing your computer from getting a virus - just exercise some caution, common sense and dare to ask questions.

First of all, let's look at the job descriptions I've posted in the previous section and analysis them. Let's ask ourselves some questions too.

Looking for help in showroom.
Pay: $900-$1.5K.
Full or part time position available.
Age limit: 18-25 yrs old.
Singaporean only.
SMS to ???????? for more details

1. Looking for help in showroom

Ask yourself, "What kind of help?" This is such a vague job description. One of the tell tale signs of an MLM company is that they love to give you vague job descriptions so that you will go down or call them up to ask more.

2. Pay: $900 - $1.5k

Ain't that a good pay? Who would pay you that amount of money if this job is open for students? Be realistic. Doesn't mean it looks good on paper or on the internet means it's true. Plus, what on earth are you going to do to earn that money? Ever wondered?

3. SMS ???????? for more details

And what do you get? An instant confirmation that you got a job and they ask you down for a briefing at some weird place that you've never heard of. This, to me, is the biggest tell tale sign. If they immediately confirm your position and ask you to go for a BRIEFING instead of an INTERVIEW, there's a high chance that it is an MLM company. Why? Because they don't care about you, they care for THEMSELVES.

The key points to take away for noting a scam job advert are:

• The pay is too good to be true. Be realistic. No one will pay you a lot if you do not do your job well nor have the proper qualifications.
• They do not give you a proper address nor disclose the company name - they didn't in my case, twice. They don't want you to check on them to see what company they are because if you know that they are MLM, you wouldn't turn up anyway. See, even they know that they have a bad reputation.
• Vague job descriptions. For instance, if they do not even tell you that you're working as what, selling what product, etc, then forget it. Why are they hiding it from you if they are guilt-free? What's so shameful about selling a health product unless A) it doesn't even work, B) you're an MLM company. You should never be ashamed of your products if you want to sell them and never be ashamed of the company you're working for because if you are, the customers won't trust you anyway.
• Confirmed positions immediately. If you are confirmed a position immediately via the SMS or phone calls, it's a fake for sure. Which employer will hire someone they don't know unless they are extremely desperate or they are just preying on your money?
• Promised "manager" roles or other nicer names immediately. Again, which employer would do that? These are the words that they use to entice people to apply for that position and fall into the trap so that the victims will be sucked dry buying the useless products of the MLM companies.
• They tell you it's a "briefing", not an "interview". A briefing means you're confirmed the job and they are going to teach you how to do it. An interview is a process where your prospect employer have a look at you and your resume to determine whether you are suited for the job or not. When you hear "briefing", it's a sign to either not respond to the message or hang up the phone - unless you want to be a victim to MLM.

Well, these are some of the signs that I've came up with after examining some of their bogus job adverts. Remember, they are actually quite rich and can afford to post paid adverts on websites such as gumtree.sg and things like that so don't be deceived too easily.

I hope these points are helpful when you find a job next time so that you do not have to go through the nonsense that I went through - even though thinking about it, it was a fun experience being able to run away from them. :P

4. HOW TO MAKE A CLASSY EXIT?

Say, one day you find yourself at an MLM company because you were not careful enough to avoid them, like what happened to me today, and you want to make an exit with a bam~ Here are some of the methods that I either didn't think of while I was still there or was just not bitchy enough to execute.

These methods can be read as jokes or if you were to implement them, treat it as an act of sarcasm that actually works and leave an impact.

1. The Toilet Method

This was the method that I used today - just ask for the toilet, grab your bag, find the exit and make your escape. Suppose they send someone to usher you to the toilet like a kindergarten teacher would, you could...

• Tell them you're not a child and ask them to get off your back.
• Go to the toilet and exclaim that it's too dirty and you refuse to use it and would like to use one out of the office
• Use it and walk to the exit instead of back to the room like how I did it
• And if the person asks, "Why why why?", just tell the person a random trivia like "The product sucks" and exit. Stunning the person definitely works.

You may appear rude or what but that doesn't matter - how good is pressurizing someone else to buy something they won't need anyway? And remember, you have the rights to say no and to make your exit anyway since if they make you stay against your will, that would be as good as kidnap without the ransom.

2. "Dog got into an accident" Method

This was suggested by Joel Chua while we were Whatsapp-ing during the middle of the presentation. He offered to call me so that I could answer dramatically and make a dash out of the room. Didn't want to do that because it was too dramatic and disruptive to the presentation. Yes, even though the presentation is crap, I believe the presenter is also a victim and I shall not go too nasty on her.

3. "I can't stay for the presentation - I have another interview" Method

Not like you were in one in the first place but at least this is polite, yes? And be damn firm on your stand that you cannot make it to the presentation because you have to remember, MLM sales people are trained to hard sell and making someone waste like an hour of their lives in a useless presentation is child's play to them.

4. "Let's not waste each others' time, especially mine" Method

I actually wanted to use this one when I stepped into the office and realized that I just fell into an MLM trap on the gentleman who escorted us to the office. Boy was I pissed when I realized my stupidity brought me to a rathole. I wanted to tell the person, "I'm really against MLM and let's not waste each others' time, especially mine, and here, I bid you farewell." but I didn't have the guts to be so rude so I left the idea at the door. Feel free to use it if you're bitchier than me.

5. The "girl" Method

Remember I said there was also a girl who entered the interview room with me? She was clever. When she was given the opportunity to say that she didn't want to go for the presentation, she took it and dashed the hell away. Due to the cruel fact that he didn't ask me for my opinion, I was "forced" into the presentation. Basically, this method means that whenever you deem fit that there's that small gap to escape the prison, use it and bail immediately. Time is precious and MLM companies are not worth ours.

6. Create Drama Method

Source: http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/politicalcartoons/ig/Political-Cartoons/Secret-Service-Exposed.htm

If you're really sure that iodine is alkaline or even neutral, stand up during the presentation and declare the fact that the magic trick was indeed just a stupid color mixing trick. Boy if I had the guts, I would do that. Furthermore, I would go the extra step to ask where she got the water from because first of all, it was too alkali to even be safe to drink (at least that's what I felt - a pH of 13! How safe is that?!)

On top of that, the product was not shown at all so how can we be sure that the "magic" water isn't some other liquids? These dubious presentations are to their favor and if you are brave enough or have enough chemistry knowledge to expose them, go ahead! It gives you the perfect reason to leave, plus bring those who are unaware that they have fell into a scam along with you~ Now ain't that a stirrer!

I hope this post achieved it's objective of allowing me to vent my anger and hatred I have for MLM companies and to show y'all some insights on the things that they do to try to recruit victims to splurge money on their products that are dubious and how they go about recruiting the underlings to make their business thrive.

Remember, there's no such thing as an easy job and always be sure to be able to answer to your own conscious! No matter how good the pay is, if you are not 100% happy that the money is "clean", you're on the wrong track, baby...

Well, at least I managed to go catch up with Raven to have some Ice Cream Chocolate Milk Tea, bitch a little, talk about the upcoming PINK DOT 2012 and managed to do some shopping. :) Now, that's the real reason why I went to Bugis in the first place... :D

YUMMY ICE CREAM CHOCOLATE MILK TEA!! :D
Thanks Raven for the treat! :D